On my grumpy days I am a self-confessed misandrist. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, let me save you the trouble of going to the google machine to look it up and tell you that Wikipedia defines a misandrist as this: “ a person who dislikes, despises, or is strongly prejudiced against men”.
I’m constantly trying to shake the notion that all men are pricks, but as the years on my own stretch into double digits and I become more cantankerous and set in my ways, it would seem less likely that my opinion will change.
I’ve been sitting on date number 99 for some time now and hoping that when I finally that tick of number 100 it will be my last so I have stopped putting much effort into luring an unsuspecting candidate into my web – or hive as is the case with the App Bumble .
Like the relationship process itself, the web developers are always trying to keep ahead of the game when it comes to dating apps and developing ones such as Bumble, where the women get to “select” the bees and make the first point of contact. For those women who had previously experienced miserable success on similar platforms such as Tinder, there is an element of power in this latest approach as within reason you are the one calling the shots.
It seems that regardless of how it is disguised, the many platforms that the internet offer as an alternative to the conventional, old fashioned way of meeting someone, they are really just an elaborate camouflage for a rejection machine. Nobody likes to be rejected constantly so why in the hell you would set yourself up for that defies belief but yet we continue to do it.
My life coaching training and numerous bouts of counselling over the last 4 decades has taught me the power of limiting belief’s. We all have them, and they weigh you down constantly like one of those old ball and chains wrapped around your ankle. Some of them are so obvious that you don’t even realise you are carting them around because they have become a part of your psyche. They disguise themselves as a fear and we give them oxygen to grow and thrive every time we think about them or speak out loud. Typical of these beliefs are things like
· fear of success.
· fear of failure.
· fear we are not good enough to achieve what we want.
· fear of not being loved/being unlovable.
· fear of rejection – generally leading you to avoid relationships or people please.
I have this huge fear of rejection and despite working on it every day it is always there. I know it comes from having a mum leave at a pivotal time in my growth and development in my life (43 years ago yesterday actually but that’s another story for another day,) and growing up without much of that nurturing element that so many people take for granted. In the early days, I did not realise that ruthlessness, frankness and sassiness that I exuded were all just a mask for that fear. A mask I have been wearing for years as I fake it till I make it.
When I was discussing with a friend a couple of weeks back about my growing desire to avoid forming relationships with males and how I was becoming more reclusive, she urged me to get back on the horse and get out and meet a few people.
Single herself for a few years, she had joined an organisation a few months ago called “Elite Singles” on the internet. She was having lots of coffees and chats with a whole new bunch of pricks. More elite, classier pricks than those hanging about in free hives on Bumble or on free sites such as NZ Dating and the likes it would seem.
Her enthusiasm was infectious and so I thought bugger it, I will give it a go then and see what happens. Joining the site requires more information that getting a passport for fucks sake and its only after you painfully answer all these ridiculous questions about what you like and what you don’t that you get to the end of the sign up phase and surprise surprise they are asking for your credit card details before you can continue. No, you don’t get a free go, you have to commit to a membership there and then before you can proceed.
I don’t know what the hell I was thinking but decided to give it a go for a couple of months to see how it all worked.
Apart from the $USD that was immediately charged to the credit card I have autosaved to my computer, I don’t seem to be having any more success with the plethora of elite men out there. I have had about 50 emails from the site indicating someone is “interested” in me but that’s as far as it gets. Ive been on and off all those things for years now and it seems that is you are a smart arse with a potty mouth. sarcastic sense of humor and size 18 to boot then your chances of actually meeting someone and closing the deal are a bit of a pipe dream? You see, a lot of those potential suitors probably are battling with limiting belief’s as they too search for their elusive mate. They have a “type” an age, a location that is defined by their internal belief system also. You see if you accept a limiting belief it will become a truth for you.
The funniest thing is that when my fellow elite singles subscriber mate and I met through the week for a coffee, she was adamant she had met a man who would be quite suitable for me. I listened with interest as she talked about the well traveled bloke from the North Island who loved music and horses and was planning a trip down to see her at some point. As she continued, I knew he was the same yapping prick that had slid into my DM’s a week before and I had decided after a seven minute conversation he wasn’t for me! I had to come clean and tell her because there is a code among the sisterhood that we share stuff like that and despite my fears about her thinking it was terrible she laughed like hell. Shes playing the game like anyone on one of those sights and bloody good on her. The yapper from the North Island wasn’t quite as amused as both of us were though as once he became aware he became very defensive about his attempts to catch us both. We don’t give a shit but it does for me somehow bring some of those limiting beleifs that there aren’t any genuine men out there and that I will die a mad old cat lady , except that in addition to the cats there will be a dog, horses, chickens, kune kune pigs and whatever else I manage to acquire between now and the time I enter the grey car to leave the property!
I’m turning off the emails from those elite pricks that are glancing at my profile leading me to believe that they are interested but, reinforcing that rejection belief. I’m redirecting them to the trash can in my inbox before I even get to see them until I find out how I can terminate my membership and most recent investment made in a moment of desperation and hope.
I’m adjusting my crown as we speak, and reminding myself that good things come to those who wait and that once I adjust my default thought process that all men are pricks that elusive Mr will appear just like the law of attraction promises.
I am sure I’m not alone out there so I am reframing some of self-limiting beliefs that are no longer serving me and packaging them into words of wisdom over the next few weeks that may or may not be of use to you as a reader of my ramblings.