You can’t sell a secret …. (Part 1)

I’ve never been that good at selling anything – I don’t seem to have the ability to close the deal, but I would be the first person to hand out the age old advice “you cant sell a secret” to someone that was trying to sell something and so recently, I decided to put my money where my mouth is. As much as I despise the sales arena, I thought, I'll have a go at this, and see if I can close a deal -on me!

You see, I tell myself that I must be the best kept secret this side of the black stump, and I am continually baffled as to why I have had 145 miserable dates over the last 17 years, and yet still remain a solo practitioner. I don’t really mind living on my own, in fact I like not having to consider anyone else,  and over the last year since I have been diagnosed with sleep apnoea, it woud be a pretty brave bloke who would want to share my bed for fear of waking up in the middle of the night and thinking he was sleeping with Darth Vader, or finding himself strangled by the 6 ft long hose that comes out of the not so sexy machine resting on my bedside table blowing oxygen down my throat ensuring I remember to breathe. I hate the bloody thing with a passion, but I have gone from stopping breathing 29 times a minute to just three so that must have improved my odds for waking up the next morning! I acutally just want someone to share the twilight years of my life with, bring me the odd cup of coffee in bed and maybe do a bit of grunt work around the place!

Some say I’m too fussy, others say too scary, I say too wary, and if you don’t enhance my life these days you aren’t in it – so there.

After much thought and many a yarn with myself in the dead of night (while untangling myself from the 6 ft hose), I decided to take my own advice and take a leap of faith by placing a personal ad in the Press seeking a gentleman friend. I was expecting a bit of back-lash from  a few sick budgies out there looking for nothing but a quick shag, so I gave the add a lot of thought before placing it and was quite specific as to what I was looking for. In anticipation of an influx of calls, I purchased myself a burner phone with a prepaid number on it. I think that’s what all the crims do when they don’t want to get caught on the cellular network when they are up to no good so I was silently congratulating myself for my ingenuity.

Getting the ad into the personals was a bit of a mission. Thank christ you can send all the details by email as I may not have been so cock sure inserting it had I been standing with an ad rep on the other side of the desk. $109.00 it cost me for one insertion of the great write-up I had composed, and because I felt I had been quite specific, I was sure it was a great opportunity for someone to find the best kept secret in Eiffelton!

I made no bones about what I was looking for in a gent. While it would have been much cheaper to be direct and advertise for “Hair, Heritage and Hectares”, I crafted what I thought was an appealing piece of word smithing with a call to action to close. (That’s what all the advertising gurus suggest you put in an ad), And like selling a house– you only need one buyer with the dollars to make a sale, so I figured one in a population of 5 million isn’t too much of an ask.

I'm a country girl at heart,  an early riser, think I'm as funny as fuck and I  used to be able to slip round the floor to a Canadian three step in the days when people actually danced instead of just wiggling their pissed arses on the dance floor, and think I can hold a great conversation with the best of them. I want to meet someone who can compliment all those areas of my life or Id sooner stay alone (or get another cat), so I thought what did I have to loose and made my investment, insterting the invitation below.

I left a cheery message on the answerphone of the burner number, congratulating any brave folks who had stepped out of their comfort zones to contact the catch of the century and held my breath waiting on the Press to hit the newspaper stands and rural mail -boxes.

To be continued…